(I posted this on Tumblr earlier, but I wanna post this here, as well.)
So earlier, I re-blogged pap pictures of Benedict coming out of a movie theater with Liv Tyler.
Not ever 5-10 minutes later, I ended up talking to a dear friend about the photos. She asked me if I re-blogged them, and I said I did but I didn’t read the article associated with them (nor would I believe the nonsense, since it’s only two people coming out of a movie theater).
Then she asked me why I would re-blog such photos when I’d mentioned in prior posts that celebs’ requests to be asked first before photographed and their privacy respected should be fulfilled and that celebs deserve their space, and at this point, it’s a struggle with my ego.
When I say that, I felt—on one hand—that my ego was bruised; how dare she question my actions. And it’s not like he was doing anything detrimental to his career in the photos; he was only walking out of a theater with Liv Tyler, and he was doing it fully clothed.
Then the guilt set in: I sit here and talk about how Benedict doesn’t like his picture taken without his permission, and people cannot use the excuse of “Well, he’s a celebrity, so it comes with the territory.” For many of us, there are PLENTY of photos out there where we weren’t at our best, and celebs are no exception. And if we don’t want our picture taken, we shouldn’t be forced into it, nor should it be done without our permission.
My Ego: “But I didn’t take the pictures, and he wasn’t naked, so I shouldn’t feel guilty about it.”
The most powerful thing about people calling you out is the guilt trip you feel as a result. Although my ego argued that I should fight back with a snarky comment, I began to step back, reflect and think about my actions and realize what I was doing.
My Ego: “But it’s MY blog! I should be able to post/re-blog whatever the fuck I want!”
And I absolutely agree, because we should be able to post/re-blog whatever interests us, and those photos interested me. Especially the outfits Liv and Benedict were wearing; they looked hella cute! But now that it’s been pointed out to me that I’ve gone against what I stand for, I’ve debated whether or not to delete the post.
But for what reason would my decision be based upon? To put my conscience at ease and not sound like a hypocrite, or to make someone else feel better? And would I feel better about my decision if I did either?
The fact that it’s being pointed out to me reminds me that, yes, I’ve made a mistake and gone against what I’d posted about previously. But it’s not like I haven’t made mistakes before; as a matter of fact, I’m a flawed human being, just like everyone else. My whole life is flawed, which is a good thing, because that’s what shapes a person, what carves our personalities, and mistakes are life lessons to learn from. I’m gonna do and say things that I’m going to regret or will piss people off, and I have in the past. And I’m definitely notalone, for NONE OF US are perfect.
Another thing is guilt. I feel there a different between guilt and remorse. When you’reremorseful, you’re genuinely apologetic of your actions and vow to make different choices in the future, in which you follow through. Guilt, on the other hand, is when you’re being accused of bruising someone else’s ego, and your ego ends up getting bruised in retaliation, making you resort to try at mending not only your own ego, but the ego of the person who was ‘offended’.
Yes, as a result of the conversation I had with my dear friend earlier, I felt guilty about my actions. BUT, after some time away from the computer and careful thought, I made the decision that I won’t delete the post I re-blogged. I feel that my blog is a reflection of me, and I’m gonna do and possibly say things that people aren’t going to agree with, as well as things I’ve told myself I’d never re-blog or talk about, and while there’s always the Un-follow button, I’m not gonna be rude and/or indignant and tell them to sod off if they don’t like what they see; they can make that decision for themselves. But that re-blog, along with many others, is a flaw. I’m a flawed person, as I’ve mentioned earlier, and I’m gonna have a flawed blog to match my flawed life. Everyone does. People on Facebook, Twitter, here on Tumblr, MySpace, The Huffington Post, etc., have posted things that they’ve probably reflected on long after others have seen it, only to regret what they’ve posted. We’re all ignorant and foolish at one point or another in our lives. We’ve all done and said stupid shit that we tell ourselves we’re never gonna do and later end up regretting but cannot take back. Time Lords know that better than anyone…
So, no… I’m not going to take that post down. I’m not psychic, so I don’t know that Benedict will ever see my blog, but in the smallest chance that he does, I wonder if he’ll be thinking, “Thank god I wasn’t naked or caught doing something regretful or illegal!” He could despise me for re-blogging the photos in the first place, since he’s mentioned in interviews that he prefers people ask him first for a photo, but, as much as I adore him, my blog isn’t to please him. It’s to please and be myself, for this is my place to vent or be a hot mess, take pictures of myself wearing a wig—an awesome wig, at that!—or nightblog about penises and hipsters and money (which smells, to me, like porn and cocaine) and other random things. If people come to my blog and like what they see, then they’ll follow. If not, then they don’t.
I’m done with trying to please people. I’ve done it long enough, and I don’t get satisfaction out of it, because after a while, it feels like a chore. Yes, I try to be considerate of others when they see things that they don’t like on my blog because they either have a phobia or a trigger that affects them strongly, but they asked me kindly to tag said phobia/trigger/whatever it is they don’t like. While I don’t mind doing that, I’d like to make it clear that there are going to be times where I forget, because I tend to go on re-blogging sprees with no signs of stopping, and get caught up in the euphoria of not yet being stopped by the daily post limit.
Again, I’m not perfect, nor will I ever be.