When Internal Freak-Out Turns Out To Be A False Alarm

Now, the title may sound insensitive…

However, the past week has been trying on my mind and my nerves.

Meanwhile, what I was freaking out over wouldn’t affect me directly had it not been my mom being the one affected.


A week or so ago, my mother had an ultrasound done in her kidney area. A couple of days later, the nurse called, reporting ma’s doctor may have found a mass on her left kidney, and that a CT scan was ordered to further evaluate the situation.

In between last week and the CT scan — which was yesterday — I STRESSED OUT. I kept thinking of the future if there was indeed a mass on her kidneys, what that would mean.

But then I started reevaluating myself, and how selfish I was being, thinking more of myself and how the possible future would affect me doing what I want to do. Which is really fucked up. However, I got over that today, on the way to the doctor’s follow-up. I sat next to my mother, who listened to her music and waited patiently, something I could barely do. I was expecting the worse, and the wait for ma to be called by the nurse much less the doctor didn’t make me feel any better.

So the doctor finally came into the exam room my mother and I were sitting in. I could feel my heart beating through my head. I may or may not have forgotten to breathe while he rustled through the papers in ma’s medical file.

“The CT scan came up with no mass.” I exhaled sharply in relief, but my mother looked on and said, “Okay”, like it was nothing. Like she wasn’t expecting the worst like I was over the past week.

I think something I need to do is calm down more, or, quit stressing myself out so easily. I do this all the time, get myself worked up before life events, like doctor appointments or written exams or auditions or conventions, even, where I’m going to see people I know and have met before, in places I’ve been once or twice before.

But I’m impatient, flighty, and naturally nervous. Things I need to work more on over the next year or so…

In the end, my mom’s come out of it kidneys mass-less, though she does need to drink more water. That shouldn’t be a problem; along with her medication regimine, she’ll be getting some iced water, in a big glass, morning and evening.

Funny thing is, during my freak-out, I’ve been drinking iced water, and my brother has followed suit. He doesn’t drink water much himself, but good to see he’s taking an initiative to better his health a bit more.

Just glad I can breathe a little easier knowing that for now, and with care, ma will be okay.


2 thoughts on “When Internal Freak-Out Turns Out To Be A False Alarm

  1. I do the same, get anxious about routine stuff. I’m always thinking the worst. It’s not something you can get over easily, if at all, I’ve found in my old age.

    I’m glad your mom is good tho. *thumbs up*


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