Revelations: Dilemmas, Balls, and Lessons

Recently, I’ve had a bit of a dilemma. 

Well, it’s not really a dilemma, but it’s something I’ve grappled with over the past couple of months.

I’ve been friends with someone I’ll be calling A Friend for over a year now, and met them through community theater. Over the past couple of months they’ve been extremely obvious with their crush on me, but I’ve been in a state of denial between then and yesterday, assuming I’m in over my head and being paranoid.

But it was confirmed this past weekend, when A Friend told me they “liked me”; I immediately made a bee-line for my ride’s car and told A Friend I would see them at rehearsal mid-week.

While I’m flattered that this person likes me, I do not share their feelings and would prefer to remain friends with them from here on out. I haven’t told them this yet, but the balls will come in handy when I next see A Friend and can take time to pull them aside and talk to them. No, they’re not a horrible person; in fact, theyre awesome to hang out with and I’m sure will make a lucky person very happy in the future. But nowbis the time for them to move on from me and open up that heart space for another.

The lesson came in between the obvious behavior A Friend exhibuted when around me. Based on observation, I learned that I’d been exhibiting the same behavior when it came to me liking past crushes. They were/are a mirror held up to me, showing me the signs even as I stewed in denial.

Now, I don’t know how A Friend is going to react when I pull them aside and tell them the truth, but I do know to go into it with sensitivity, based on past experience. I get what it’s like to be rejected, which explains why 98% of the time I keep my feelings to myself.

Fear of rejection.

But it’s not all about me, even as this is my blog. And this is a life lesson for everyone involved. It wouldn’t be fair for me to string this person along by their heartstrings and use them for things other than love & comfort, and it wouldn’t be fair to someone else who can share that “like” with them. The sooner I can talk to them, the better. 

The next few weeks may be a bit tough and/or awkward — A Friend & I are both in a theater show that will open in late February — but we’ll get through it. Hopefully.

Until then, lessons continue to be learned, and I hope A Friend has a string of awesomeness happen to them in succession and that they end up with someone they can cuddle and enjoy life with in the long run.

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