Highs & (Mostly) Lows This Past Week

The past week has been a near nightmare.

So much shit has happened with my brother. He owes people money and has run away due to one main person harrassing him and following him around town. He told me it’d only be for a few days, but chances are it’ll be longer than he claims to intend.

What gets me is that he told me he would end up in jail or killing someone. He won’t do that, and he’s lucky I haven’t done it to him myself, he’s stressing me out so much. Worse thing is he doesn’t realize he’s stressing me out because, for the most part, I haven’t told him. And he’s caught up in his own shit to notice.

Also, while I gained two clients/contracts before this past weekend, I’ve just had to end one while completing the other. IRT the one I ended, I took on more than I could chew, and should have realized that before taking on the job. I mean, it was in the description, for goodness sake. But it wasn’t fair of me to waste that client’s time promising something I couldn’t give them, that someone could take it more seriously than I did.

I could say it was because I was still caught up with work backstage at the theater for a show (which ended yesterday) but that’s no excuse.

On top of all that, I’m behind on one of the title loans (yup, got a second one, though the first one is the one I’m talking about — long story short: we didn’t, or my brother didn’t, need the second one or the money he got with it) and I don’t have the money to pay the minimum payment before it becomes delinquent.

Yesterday was a nice refuge, though: Got to see Wonder Woman, and I feel a bit like a new person after seeing it. Also got to hang out with friends and finally relax for a bit, take my mind off of everything that’s been happening.

I’m just so, so, so tired. And even if I were to work several freelancing jobs (since I have more time now), it’ll be a while before money is released to me. And I’m tired of asking people for money whenever I need it. My brother does enough of that, and it does nothing but get him in trouble.

But I guess the difference between him and me is that I don’t like owing people, so I don’t borrow or ‘hold’ money from them. If they have and are willing, then so be it. But no borrowing. My brother borrows, holds money and makes promises he can’t keep.

And no matter how much I try to explain it, it won’t change the fact that I’m now responsible for two title loans and an elderly mom while he runs away from people he ‘borrows’ money from.

Though I’m grateful for things like blogs and Twitter to vent my frustrations. I’ve done some journaling over the past week, because that’s how I cope. Writing is my catharsis. Keeps my hands busy instead of wrapping them around someone’s neck or balling them up into fists and throwing said fists through someone’s face. Keeps me from throwing shit and screaming at the top of my lungs to the heavens because the angels are the only one who’ll hear me and understand.

But enough of that. /endrant

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